Suicidal

Ever wonder what it feels like to see the end? I have.... and i've almost seen it at times... but whether it be fortunate or unfortunate, i have been unable to see it.

Yes... i am suicidal at times... never before have i ever felt like that. But again... Love does strange things to you.

Every time she leaves... i wanna end it all.. crazy? Maybe... but i do love her enough to do so.
Gave up everything... so nothing else is left to lose.

Earlier today.... i went off behind the seawall tetra pods. Outside the swimming track area. Had a bit of trouble doing that.... the strong tide and the crashing waves did prove to be an obstacle. But i got through... and i swam away... away from the rocks...

1..2..3..4... ....20. Look back over my shoulder... and again... another 20 strokes. I have always been a strong swimmer, starting from the tender age of seven. Be it a curse or blessing i do not know. Every 20 strokes took me farther away... But it never seemed far enough. So i kept going.

After i dont know how many 20s i look back.... Now one whole wall of the tetra pod wavebreaker was about the size of my palm... The weather wasn't at its best... the waves kept tucking me under... but somehow i kept coming back up... tired as i was.

I wished for it to end then. Right there.. cool death and all... i had had it... she had left me again. She knows exactly my weak points... and knows when and where to hit... and every time.... i fall for it... i take everything she say... n believe it... even though i know that it can't be true.

I didn't drown. But then i lay back. the waves kept tossing me from side to side. I was tired. I just wished for it to end..... and i thought it would.... because the rocks seemed so far away.... but then.... a strong tide started pulling me in.... i was taken forcefully... at speed.. towards the rocks... wave after wave kept driving me towards it... then BAM! it hurt... hurt a lot.... cut my palms and chest and god knows wat else.... the ring she had given me fastened securely around ma neck on a silver chain was driven into ma chest. That hurt too...

After what seemed like hours... i managed to summon enough strength to crawl back up the rocks. Painful process, believe me.. i crawled back not because i didn't wanna die. But all that pain made me realize that being crushed by waves against the rocks was a sick way to die. I wanted death by drowning... not make tomato sauce out of myself...

I climbed over to the other side... exhausted,.. i made my way... slowly towards the edge... and got out of the ocean.... i headed towards the bike... didn't reach it.... i collapsed. Next thing i realize, there are a lot of people around. Blocking the sky... Yeah... just like the movies... They get me on an ambulance and i'm rushed to the hospital... barely conscious.

The doctor prescribes some meds for the excessive ingestion of seawater... and my cuts are dressed. Had to lie in ER for a few hours... but that didn't seem so bad. My only regret being that i was still alive.

I was taken home... everyone writing the entire event off as an accident.

When i woke up in the evening... missed calls... messages.... a lot of them... for her. About not meaning what she said the previous night.... she knew i would do something stupid.... so she felt bad. But that wasn't what i wanted... i just wanted to end it all... and let her be in peace... maybe she doesnt realize how much she loves me.... i don't want her to beg me to stay alive.... or stay with her... she does that when i do stupid stuff.... but that was never my intention....

I wish life was simpler... don't we all?.... There you go.... calling up the men in white coats now? You will be in vain.... i can talk my way out of anything... hehe...

until next time...